Present the Past of Future

I was driving the car. Beside me was my wife and behind me were my children. My wife, as she had many plans for the future, was discussing those with me which slightly irritated me. My children, they were into some other world, poking each other, pointing out fingers towards the tallest building of Tamilnadu, Akshaya homes multi storied apartment that had 35 floors. I saw those kids enjoying through the rear view mirror and grinned. We all were going to relax or to have some fun time at Besant Nagar beach. To state it more clearly I was getting my family there so that they would have some fun time. I was disturbed by some thoughts that were whirling inside my mind. I parked my car and crossed the road with everyone holding my kids each in one hand. They had nothing but only one plan i.e. to enjoy which is a key that kicks out the problem. Once I stepped into the muddy surface, I released and let them free. I instructed to my wife to take care of those kids and gave my wallet to her.

“Why?” asked my wife.

‘Nothing I just have to attend an on-site call and would be getting it soon’ I said ‘so only’.

‘Oh?!! Please lay it on the line’ she said while raising her eyebrow.

‘Really, just believe me’ I said and vacated the place.

I went somewhere out of the line of her vision to the road side and searched for a place to sit. Since it was a Sunday, I could find no place and then I found my car to be the best place and walked to it thinking about something. As I said before I was disturbed by something. I felt as if my life was incomplete despite having a good job, a good family with two good kids.

‘Chitra, inga va’ suddenly a voice came out and a 3 year old baby dashed me.

I saw down and the baby was laughing at me. I gave my finger to her and directed to her mother.

‘Sorry sir’ apologized her mom when I gave her a pleasant smile. Her voice faded out as I walked towards my car.

I opened my car door and switched on the AC and the radio. But I switched it (radio) off later as it was quite pesky playing only advertisement and no songs. I pushed my seat to an inclined position and relaxed myself placing my head over folded fingers.

Again the voice flashed in my mind ‘Chitra, inga va’ which the baby’s mom said. I was reminded of my mother, whose name was Chitra and my dad Raju and my brother, grandma, grandpa. I then brought my problem to the spot light. My life had everything but not my mom, dad, grandma or grandpa. The only left out in my family was my elder brother who got married and he was at UK. I had many dreams but only half of it got fulfilled. My kids had no chance to see their grandparents and of course my great grandparents, as I had made it late due to some issues. These all were a part of my problem.

I started to think about my old days before marriage, before work, during my college days. I was not a good son to my mom and dad. I was not there for my mom when her feet were itching due to cracks, when she had some dislocation in her shoulder, when she called me to serve her after serving everyone etc. I was not there for my dad when he asked me to relieve his shoulder pain, when he asked me to study well, when he asked me to learn things etc.

I had cheated my parents, roaming with a girl somewhere in a share van by saying I have classes and I had cheated them,  loving a girl, hugging & kissing her saying that I am in my friend sudh’s (Sudharshan) house. But I had also made them feel good by getting third in my class during my 6^th semester. Likewise I had many pluses and minus in my life and I mostly hide my minuses and show cased only my pluses. But now it kills me like anything for being such a bad human. The freedom that they gave to me I misused it. I should have been there to them but I had not. Everything that I stated above started to roll in my mind which in turn pushed out tears from my eyes. All my stress came out in the form of tears. “Always we realize about something once it gets out of our hand which then we call it as experience”.

While thinking, my brother got into my mind and I called him through the phone. I got a slight tremble in my voice whilst talking to him but then I cleared my throat before having some nice conversation with him. Once I ended the call, again the past times started to re flow in my mind.

Karma yoga is the one I should have practiced which actually insist the duty that we need to perform. What a human need, food to eat, shelter, clothes to wear. Everything I got but I did not get satisfied and I aimed for something more than the basics. We don’t stop with one need, and we look forward for next, once the previous one gets satisfied and it is always a problem within us. Buddha says ‘surpass expectations which leads to all other problems’ and it is true not because of it is from Buddha’s tongue but the power of his words.

Thinking about everything made the tears roll down from my closed eyes which in turn lead the way for many thoughts like my parents, ‘would they bless me, would they forgive me for all the mistakes that I did, would they, would they’ and it echoed inside my mind. I felt like being inside a dark forest without anyone and anything which made the fear to run inside me. Suddenly I was alerted by a phone ring (alarm app) and heard a voice saying ‘Adithyan, enthiri enthiri, time aiduthupar college ku’ and another voice saying ‘Ipdiyae thoongitu apparam bus driver seekrama eduthutaanu saakku sollatha’. I was totally confused by the voices but I could guess from the slang that it was my parent’s voice. I half opened my eyes I could see only the same car ambiance where I was relaxing. Again someone one pulled my blanket and that time it was my brother who was sleeping beside me. Seeing that, I was totally brought out to reality. After then I realized that I was sleeping in my house and the time was 6.15 a.m. I should get ready to my college. It was a bad dream of course.

I was pulled out from the dream by my mom, dad and thankfully by my brother. My dream that I had, was a composition of my past memories and future plans.

‘Ezhunthu palla theyi, kaioda kuli, kaapi tharaen, kudichittu kelambu’ said my mom.

I immediately got up hurried to get ready and sat at the dining table for coffee. My mom brought it hot when I asked ‘ma, viboothi?’ She placed the coffee on the table and went to pooja room and brought a small strip of it and lined it on my forehead saying ‘nee oruthan than correct uh vechindu pora. Unga appa, unga annaen yarum vechikarthilla, viboothi vecha nethila irukkura neer uh eduthurum’. The time was 7.10 a.m. and heard my dad’s voice from outside as he drops me daily to the bus stop. I moved out after drinking coffee replying ‘Hmmm… Hmmm...’ when my mom enquiring me ‘ID card eduthundiya? Purse’u? Kasu Irukka?’ and finally said ‘Jakkartha, cell phone badhdharam college la pudichida pora’.

Then I boarded the bus and surrounded my ears with music. To my surprise, when I switched on the i-pod ‘Amma endrazhaikatha’ song, the first song in all of my playlist. I became more energized and prepared myself for the day. I can give you assurance, that true love exist, only between you and your family but at other places, ‘sorry, no comments’.