I was driving the car. Beside me
was my wife and behind me were my children. My wife, as she had many plans for
the future, was discussing those with me which slightly irritated me. My
children, they were into some other world, poking each other, pointing out
fingers towards the tallest building of Tamilnadu, Akshaya homes multi storied
apartment that had 35 floors. I saw those kids enjoying through the rear view
mirror and grinned. We all were going to relax or to have some fun time at
Besant Nagar beach. To state it more clearly I was getting my family there so
that they would have some fun time. I was disturbed by some thoughts that were
whirling inside my mind. I parked my car and crossed the road with everyone
holding my kids each in one hand. They had nothing but only one plan i.e. to
enjoy which is a key that kicks out the problem. Once I stepped into the muddy
surface, I released and let them free. I instructed to my wife to take care of
those kids and gave my wallet to her.
“Why?” asked my wife.
‘Nothing I just have to attend an
on-site call and would be getting it soon’ I said ‘so only’.
‘Oh?!! Please lay it on the line’
she said while raising her eyebrow.
‘Really, just believe me’ I said
and vacated the place.
I went somewhere out of the line
of her vision to the road side and searched for a place to sit. Since it was a
Sunday, I could find no place and then I found my car to be the best place and
walked to it thinking about something. As I said before I was disturbed by
something. I felt as if my life was incomplete despite having a good job, a
good family with two good kids.
‘Chitra, inga va’ suddenly a voice came out and a 3 year old baby
dashed me.
I saw down and the baby was
laughing at me. I gave my finger to her and directed to her mother.
‘Sorry sir’ apologized her mom
when I gave her a pleasant smile. Her voice faded out as I walked towards my
car.
I opened my car door and switched
on the AC and the radio. But I switched it (radio) off later as it was quite
pesky playing only advertisement and no songs. I pushed my seat to an inclined
position and relaxed myself placing my head over folded fingers.
Again the voice flashed in my
mind ‘Chitra, inga va’ which the
baby’s mom said. I was reminded of my mother, whose name was Chitra and my dad
Raju and my brother, grandma, grandpa. I then brought my problem to the spot
light. My life had everything but not my mom, dad, grandma or grandpa. The only left out in my family was my elder brother who got married and he was at UK. I
had many dreams but only half of it got fulfilled. My kids had no chance to see
their grandparents and of course my great grandparents, as I had made it late
due to some issues. These all were a part of my problem.
I started to think about my old
days before marriage, before work, during my college days. I was not a good son
to my mom and dad. I was not there for my mom when her feet were itching due to
cracks, when she had some dislocation in her shoulder, when she called me to
serve her after serving everyone etc. I was not there for my dad when he asked
me to relieve his shoulder pain, when he asked me to study well, when he asked
me to learn things etc.
I had cheated my parents, roaming
with a girl somewhere in a share van by saying I have classes and I had cheated
them, loving a girl, hugging &
kissing her saying that I am in my friend sudh’s (Sudharshan) house. But I had
also made them feel good by getting third in my class during my 6th
semester. Likewise I had many pluses and minus in my life and I mostly hide my minuses and show cased only my pluses. But now it kills me like anything for
being such a bad human. The freedom that they gave to me I misused it. I should
have been there to them but I had not. Everything that I stated above started
to roll in my mind which in turn pushed out tears from my eyes. All my stress
came out in the form of tears. “Always we
realize about something once it gets out of our hand which then we call it as
experience”.
While thinking, my
brother got into my mind and I called him through the phone. I got a slight tremble in my voice whilst talking to him but then I cleared my throat before having
some nice conversation with him. Once I ended the call, again the past times
started to re flow in my mind.
Karma yoga is the one I should have practiced which actually insist the duty that we need to perform.
What a human need, food to eat, shelter, clothes to wear. Everything I got but
I did not get satisfied and I aimed for something more than the basics. We
don’t stop with one need, and we look forward for next, once the previous one
gets satisfied and it is always a problem within us. Buddha says ‘surpass expectations which leads to all
other problems’ and it is true not because of it is from Buddha’s tongue
but the power of his words.
Thinking about everything made
the tears roll down from my closed eyes which in turn lead the way for many
thoughts like my parents, ‘would they bless
me, would they forgive me for all the mistakes that I did, would they, would they’ and it echoed
inside my mind. I felt like being inside a dark forest without anyone and
anything which made the fear to run inside me. Suddenly I was alerted by a
phone ring (alarm app) and heard a voice saying ‘Adithyan, enthiri enthiri, time aiduthupar college ku’ and another
voice saying ‘Ipdiyae thoongitu apparam
bus driver seekrama eduthutaanu saakku sollatha’. I was totally confused by
the voices but I could guess from the slang that it was my parent’s voice. I half
opened my eyes I could see only the same car ambiance where I was relaxing.
Again someone one pulled my blanket and that time it was my brother who was
sleeping beside me. Seeing that, I was totally brought out to reality. After
then I realized that I was sleeping in my house and the time was 6.15 a.m. I
should get ready to my college. It was a bad dream of course.
I was pulled out from the dream
by my mom, dad and thankfully by my brother. My dream that I had, was a
composition of my past memories and future plans.
‘Ezhunthu palla theyi, kaioda kuli, kaapi tharaen, kudichittu kelambu’
said my mom.
I immediately got up hurried to
get ready and sat at the dining table for coffee. My mom brought it hot when I
asked ‘ma, viboothi?’ She placed the
coffee on the table and went to pooja room and brought a small strip of it and lined
it on my forehead saying ‘nee oruthan
than correct uh vechindu pora. Unga appa, unga annaen yarum vechikarthilla,
viboothi vecha nethila irukkura neer uh eduthurum’. The time was 7.10 a.m.
and heard my dad’s voice from outside as he drops me daily to the bus stop. I
moved out after drinking coffee replying ‘Hmmm… Hmmm...’ when my mom enquiring
me ‘ID card eduthundiya? Purse’u? Kasu Irukka?’ and finally said ‘Jakkartha,
cell phone badhdharam college la pudichida pora’.
Then I boarded the bus and
surrounded my ears with music. To my surprise, when I switched on the i-pod ‘Amma endrazhaikatha’ song, the first song in all of my playlist. I became more energized and prepared
myself for the day. I can give you assurance, that true love exist, only
between you and your family but at other places, ‘sorry, no comments’.
